14th day without you and still finding hope

It's 2 in the morning and I am litterally going thru all kind of feelings right now at this moment

Happy, sad, ancious, curious, calm, frisky, and depressed

I do not want to sound very pathetic in this post but I am crying really hard right this second

I always have the fear of losing you when we were together

And now I have to face the fear alone and trust me it is so hard to do it 

I look back to our memories today

Our photos, and our videos of us having fun with tiny little things in life

I keep convince myself that I can get over this 

But it is so hard 

I hate to accpet that we can never be together anymore 

It hurts so bad 

I have been blaming everything

I remember our last hug

It sincerely felt so warm for the first time

I feel so safe, so calm

You were so gentle when you caress my hair

So nice yet so painful knowing it is the last time I can ever get it from you

I blame everything

I tried my best but why

Why I still feel so hurt

I really tried to make it work like how it was before 

But why it doesnt go the way I wanted

Why do I chose to give up

Why I just can't stay for one more fight

And everything will be okay like how I wanted it to be

And I will get what I really wanted in the end

I hate to admit that not all story has a good ending

I hate to admit that there is no more us

I feel happy for you

I actually see there are changes in you

There are growth in you

Slowly and surely I know you could be a better man that I always wished you to be

There is nothing but sadness in me knowing that I couldn't be by your side and witness it

But I am really proud

Really.

You have become vocal, outgoing and smarter 

It is only the 14th day without you by my side 

But why it felt like years

I miss your scent, your touch, your laughter, your face, your sillyness

Your everything

I miss how we used to be

I miss how you called me baby 

I miss you being in my pictures

I miss us.

Deeply.

October has been a dreadful month for both of us

I am glad I took the courage to end our misery

At least we can sleep alil bit better during the night

We have been in a despair that we couldn't get out of it

I was so lost, have no idea what to do with that situation 

People have given me tons of advices

But I can't disgest any of them, not even one

It is so conflicting

When I thought I have made up my mind

You ruined it.

You made a mistake there.

Shoudn't rush things.

The more you wanted it, the more I am avoiding it

The break wasn't a clean break

and thus it confused me and screwed the whole order

I blame everything

I blame your impatience

But I blame myself the most

It's 3 now and I've stopped crying

Please forgive me for being such sentimental and weak

I felt alil better now after expressing my feelings here

Knowing that my only distraction to painful memories is to talk to people

Those whom I trust

Yet sadly it is a weekday and everyone of them are working tomorrow

So here I am

I have been telling myself

If it is meant to be it will be.

For now I have chose to let you go I have to know my reason

And my reason is always clear

I want you to be a better man

And I cannot regret on my choice

The moment I've decided to leave you is when I was too stressful and tired of us being in a toxic fights 

No closure, no conclusion

Just cold, sliences 

And now I tell myself

I have to step out of my comfort zone

Get used to the days without you

I will never look forward to anything now

I have stopped putting expection in realtionships 

It hurt badly and I can't afford seeing myself crying out loud every night
But who knows? 
We can't predict the future, isn't it?

Today I cried a little more

Because it was supposed to be a meaningful date

For an unforgetable person of my life.

You will always be my favourite person.
My favourite view.