Blog Update ( September )
(Old pic)
Hey there people ! Is been a long time since I last update my blog huh .. Oopsiee >_< Procrastinate too much ahhhh ! Well there are a lot a lot of stuff happened lately .. Especially on this month .. Urghhhhhh ( started all the complaints ) I got very sick .. I'm still sick when I'm writing this post tho .. *cough dramatically* It has been 4 days I'm sick .. I was feeling okay on the first day .. I thought it was just common flu and sore throat .. And so I went YOLO with my classmates .. To celebrate our first semester break yes .. Well I did drank some liquor and all the the junk foods the snacks ...... Went all the way to KLCC from Setapak ... YOLO all the way until sunrise .... I guess that is the reason why I'm so sick right now ._. That urge of puking but nothing came out and you had to sit beside the toilet bowl for the entire night to let it all out so that you can feel much better and nothing, NOTHING CAME OUT. Nightmares , freaking nightmares. And the worst thing is .. Oh no .. There are TWO worst things .. Yes unfortunately I'm having menstruation at the moment .. Another thing is .. There's a huge pimple-like thingy on my butt .. YES BUTT. It made me suffer like hell. I can't even sit, stand, sleep, drive, or even walk ! WHAT THE HELL. I can only use another part of my butt to do all those stuff .. And it hurt so bad that I feel like wanna kill myself ! (Don't worry I'm just saying, being exaggerated a lil bit ) Can you even imagine that ? CAN YOU ? I won't tell you any details cause I'm too shy to tell. Yes I do know what it is and it is very serious .. I won't describe it on here of course . Oh ? You curious huh ? You wanna know what it is huh ? Nope I ain't gonna tell . You ask me why ? You frigging ask me why ? Let me tell you why .. BECAUSE I AM A FREAKING GIRL AND IT IS SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING TO SAY OUT LOUD TO THE PUBLIC ! *inhale exhale inhale exhale* I will only tell the person who's close to me .. So if I didnt tell you anything about it .. Well .. Sorry then :) You are not that close to me yet ;) Or I don't trust you that much :/ Hmm ... I refuse to go to hospital.. But don't worry I'm on medication .. And yes my condition is getting better day by day .. Although the progress is as slow as the snail ..... How I wish I am being treated like a sick princess , being taken care by someone you loved .. Or servants ..... *keep dreaming* *still dreaming* Oh well , when reality strikes , you gotta be strong . I'm on my own now .. Nobody will be there for me .. Even when I coughed until I have to gasp hardly for air, even when I see blood everywhere, even when I felt extremely cold all the time, even when I can't even move, even when I'm crying under my blanket .. Nope I'm fine, I'm a tough girl, I can handle this. It is just a sickness + menstruation + 'butt pimple' .. Small case *wave hand dramatically* What to do .. Weak people gotta act strong even they aren't cause they know, nobody , nobody will ever care or pity them .
Furthermore , I have been dealing with some friendship matters lately. Yes , finally I reunited with them on a meaningful event, Euphoria 3.0 . There are some issues happened before this which I don't really know why they did that to me ( Now I know why ) . They ignored me. Like seriously purposely ignoring me.( On WhatsApp group chat ) Yes I admit I didn't get the chance to talk or to chat or to meet up with them .. I did regret about that and I felt really bad .. I have my own reason .. A strong reason. I choose to spend my time with my parents cause I know , they're too old for everything . I came to realize that they won't be here for me forever .. I have to accompany them as much as possible .. I don't want to regret it later in the future .. Why I have this massive change all of the sudden ? Because my parents started to say weird thing to me , like , " I have to teach you how to operate this thing now so that you can do it by yourself when I'm not around " I 'm like , what the hell dad ? What the hell are you talking about ? Nope I don't wanna learn this shit , you have to help me , no matter where you are. I'm very sad when I heard this from them. That's why I wanna spend the time with them as much as I can. But I was wrong too , I neglected my friends. I apologize. I'm truly sorry my friends. I really do miss you guys. I apologize for not being able to spend time with you. But until one day. Everything changed. I changed. I was so excited on that Friday evening ( Before the event starts ) I used one hour to pick my OOTN , What should I wear , which shoes suit my outfit, I even asked my cousin (which lives next to my block) (We both live at hostel) to help make up a lil bit .. I'm really excited for everything. Especially the reunited part. And so I got ready for that event just on time, waited the guy to fetch me from hostel to City Harvest Church Kuala Lumpur. I'm so nervous during the journey .. Thinking about what we gonna do after the event finish, Go yumcha ? Selfie ? Enjoy our bonding time ? Hahaha .. When I reached , I was afraid . Like all of the sudden , I don't know why I have this bad feeling all of the sudden .. Perhaps it has been a while since i came here last time ? I thought. After hiding in the toilet for quite some times, I braced myself and went to the main hall to meet them. At last ! I gave each and everyone of them a sincere hug. But there's one thing I never expected. Coldness. One of them actually rejected my hug for the first time, and straight away told me that she felt unhappy because of me. Although she did hugged me afterwards .. But the meaning wasn't there anymore :( Somehow I felt isolated from them. I can't feel the happiness of reunited. I'm at the urge of crying during the whole event. I hold back my tears. Until the event ended , we went selfies :) I feel awkward somehow .. Don't know how to pose for a picture, or should I say I'm scared to being close with you guys ? And there's no girls night out or yumcha cause two of them have their own curfews .. So they went back early. Left me and her . Awkward silence. We did talk. But the awkwardness is still there. Can't wash away. And so we sat down at a cafe next to the church, she confessed everything to me. I was shocked. I didn't see this coming. I froze. She was mad. She was so angry on my mistake. ( The mistake isn't related to anyone of them) She scolded me for not protect my dignity. I did not defense for myself. I know it's useless. I cried. I cried not because of she scolded me. It's because she never ask why I did that. YOU NEVER ASK ME WHY. And you kept saying that I changed. The way you told me was very cruel you know ? Do you even realized that ? Do you ever think of how would I feel ? Can you even imagine that if you were me at that moment at that situation ? Do you know why the hell I cried ? Do you really think that I cried because of what I did ? No. I never regret on what I've done. What's done is done. I felt helpless that is why. I only person that I can rely to aren't there for me anymore. Especially at that moment. I felt the distance. Yes I remember, you said you will still be there for me whenever I need you. I don't know why, I can't really feel it. Yes, people change. You can tell me in a positive way instead of saying that I changed into a bad girl or something else. You can say that I'm fake. I don't really care anymore. This is another part of the real me. Have you ever thought of that ? Or you refuse to think like that ? Because that's not your cup of tea ? I'm still me. Or you are the one who changed ? Think about it. I really thought that we can solve things out on that night cause you planned to overnight my place but in the end, it was only just a dream. You were feeling unwell and wish to go back and even asked your cousin to fetch you in the middle of the night. I really concern about your health. I really hope that you're not taking that as an excuse to avoid me. I went to my cousin's room after sent you away. Cried for the entire night. My cousin was shocked. Yes, anyone will feel shocked too. Before and after the event, what a huge difference. She comforted me that night. Taught me a lot of things like friendships and life. And finally we went to bed at sunrise.
I won't keep silence anymore. I will treat you on how you treat me. I am not mad nor sad anymore. It's the time to face the reality. I will treat you with a sincere heart if you treat me the same way I did to you. I have to say if we have a next meeting, trust me, you will see another me, the quiet one, scared, not really cheerful anymore, if we didn't settle this properly.
A true friend tells you what you need to hear , not what you want to hear.
我并不是那么好欺负，请你不要爬上头。
请你将心比心。
我并不是没脾气，而是脾气好，我会有发脾气的一天。
我会告诉你，因为我相信你。但你为什么要这样对我呢？
你到底有没有顾虑过我当时的感受？老实说，有还是没有？
Before the event :
Nonetheless, I'm really glad to have one particular pig as my best friend in my life. We barely meet each other, we barely talk, we barely chat, but she is always there for me. No matter what I changed into, she still loves me. *force her to nod* Nyehehehe :P We never forget each other although we are been distanced. I know she misses me a lot . I know. (Narcissism level : ASIAN )
Ngawwww ..Don't like that.. I will shy you know xDD I will crash your place next week ! Next Wed I guess :P
Well about my relationship thingy , Hmm , is kinda complicated , I don't really know how to put this in text form .. I'm single but not available .. I have a crush on someone that I can't touch .. We are quite close at some point but sometimes it is quite far .. I know I shouldn't have feelings for him but I couldn't help myself from it .. I don't know he is the right guy or not .. I am not sure whether he knows my feelings towards him or not .. I don't wanna let him know cause I 'm afraid of the consequences and I don't want to be a burden to him .. Although he somehow rejected me indirectly or I'm just having a bee in one's bonnet :/ I really do like him. Or I'm just obsessed about him ? Well I tried not to think about him but in the end, the feelings grow day by day ..
A wild thought of mine : Drive to anywhere I want without my parents knowledge. All by myself. ( My parents are very strict on me and if they ever found out I'm dead for sure ) To YOLO. Cheers.
I miss my long long hair :(
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