Not a quick update - Dec 2024

my my how long has it been ? 4 years passed by just like that

and so much have changed in these years 

well yes i have gained weight :) hair grew short :) aaaand life gotten better (maybe not but technically supposedly yes..?)

i have so much to share yet i kinda like judging myself a little like who still write blogs nowadays ? 

(but really thanks to my best sister that encouraged me to start writing back cause she really understands me the most, knowing what i really needed, and never ever judge or feel annoyed whenever i go to her 😇knowing that i am gonna yap so much negativity but yet she just take it like a chill guy *insert chill guy bgm here* love her so so much 💕)

but yeah, reason i am back here simply cause i, again loses the battle with my negative self, the overthinking never actually stops, it just well-hid when there is someone to always have the patience to reassure and comfort me when it breaks lose, and now that i got no one, i really need a support to hold me at drastic times like this, at least make me feel less lonely 😔

i am not able to really heal by myself, especially in year 2024, such a drastic year with the goods and bads. 

i had a really bad heartache early this year, and it is not even from a proper relationship ffs 🙄 i couldn't even sleep properly during the night and been torturing myself with such treatment given from such guy ?? what is wrong with me jesus zzz , cant imagine i actually allow him to break my heart with such selfish statement, saying : 'it's me it's not about you', 'i am still young i want to focus on my career', 'i only have this one chance i don't wanna lose it' etc etc. eh but hello ? you the one started to show affection towards me first bro ? you said you liked me first...? then when i fell into your 'lovebombs' and now you wanna run away ? such coward moves....... but oh well it is my fault too, i was too brokenhearted with my last relationship heh, hence giving chances to merely lovebombers, so i accepted what is happening to me ha, considered it as a punishment for not being kind to myself when i could, or being too kind not to blame others but myself 😒

aaand things went south started from there :)) that was the first month into 2024 (BARU THE FIRST MONTH YALL)  然后我的操作开始变形 :) i went out with my ex on Valentine week, (ok we dont judge too early guys) i was a very needy person and i was lonely and of course i said why not cause we not really ended on a bad note we kind of know each other quite well (he still thinks that i the one abandoned him just liddat), yes i the one dumped him (with valid reason ya he knew it himself too ya he should have see this coming ya) cause man i am just done yknow, i mean i know i have issue but i couldn't spare anymore attention divert to fix his instead of mine, so i technically just reduced my burden, both financially and mentally. i didnt really have any thoughts of going out with him, and i didnt really have any hope or thoughts of getting back together and such, just treating like an old friend gathering. not really sure what is in his mind but yeah i guess he just wanted to make it up to me, started to treat me with good food, expensive presents and some 'relaxing' trip that supposed to release my stress but it got worst. I thought he had changed, on his behaviour, as in like being a man taking up responsibilities of in charging all sort of things (paying, planning, leading etc), but none is done. it is just purely disappointments from every visit during every month until August. yes, i used to say i prefer younger guys in a relationship, like yknow 奶狗 (we listen but we dont judge ya this preferences was back in 2020), but damn i couldn't take care of them like really, i can't even rely on them on such easy task like : driving me to anywhere, planning for me on an occasion [birthday especially], leading a so-called de-stressing trip... the tea was too hot to spill guys i can't even believe why am i agreeing to keep 一而再再而三地 making the same mistake, giving the same guy so many freaking chances to prove himself that he is a changed man, but yeah, everyone showing their true colors when things get ugly, i am too, i am fretting with my impatiences towards him as a whole, and i guess hence why we arent talking anymore ever since the trip on Aug 💁 

you see, due to these incidents they kinda affected my health as a whole ? mentally i can still tolerate (what a bs) but physically it hurts so bad. starting from the heartache, which it is literally pain in the chest, that you couldnt even breathe normally, then leads to anxiety, cause not only my relationships were a torture for that first half of the year but also my career. i made the decision to quit my main job hastily (or maybe due to the people at work were being too toxic) without securing the next. i was initially planning to have a career break anyways until then i met my business partner. i was agreed to work with him as a (not a partner yet at that time during Q2) helper ? or freelancer is a better choice of word, for the entire Q2. and that is when my anxiety spiked the highest in the recent years ngl, i was like a 无头苍蝇, dont know if i made the right choice to be a mere freelancer, building a product branding that i totally not confident in (i fake it in front of him) (aaand the brand eventually failed appaillingly that costed around 150k - 350k if i am not mistaken), i dont even have faith in my own website own product can you imagine ? the self doubt is next level, i judged myself way too much until i gotten mentally sick and fight against my ownself for months. i mean i used to do that, having a tons of conversations in my mind with different version of myself but it was quite brutal this time, hence i started taking ashwagandha pills. oh and melatonin pills too cause yeah i wanna fix my sleeping schedule cause am not sleeping when it is bedtime, i couldnt stop thinking ugh and how could i sleep with all these shits ongoing ?? 

i became very insecure in 2024, (dahlah i am insecure in every aspect and needed assurances like all the time) on top of that i was weak and alone to deal with all these since the beginning of the year, it was very hard and it took a toll on my mental health. i am already physcially weak (i can be sick basically every two months), plus now added on my saneness. my suspicions has reached its peak ever since, i can be so skeptical until the people around me be so done with my small little hunches (but cmon i smell rats everywhere 😔) . aand it kinda transform me from a very outgoing extroverted person to a timid, quiet and low profile soul. now i have much lesser friends (already very less but yeah) , not much people that i can talk to, and these has led me back to here in order to express all of these from my chest cause i cannot take it anymore :( i used to have my boyfriend, who was also my best friend that i can digest all the negativities and insecurities to, to now i dont even dare to disturb my friends who have their own lives to carry on, i dont wanna be a burden cause i kinda seems to repeat my miserable all the time hahahah, well i was quite toxic back then in 2024, i couldnt differentiate what is good and what is bad for me, i couldnt intepret which behavior is not a burden to your friends, and i kept overshared my own negative thoughts to those people that are bad for me (like they are just 吃瓜群众) and i regret it immediately afterwards. this toxic behavior has been on repeat for the past months and i hated myself for it, like why i couldnt have self control on sharing stuff. but i found out it is my own mechanism when i am facing stress, i will have the needs or have to share/let it out in order to feel better in the chest, but the mistake is that i always pick the wrong people to share :) 

but, thankfully i met my business partner this year and has been assuring me with many good wealth opportunities 😌 i am really grateful for his appearance like i am not even lying, i am in tears when typing this cause he is like the angel sent from God to pull me out of this hellhole, showing me lights and direction (not exaggerating things but it's facts) (maybe just a little). i am thankful that he is kind and patience enough to teach me (a white paper) with a tons of knowledges that it could take years to learn (at least for me cause am dumb), from financial advices to cooking advices then to life advices, no doubt he grown to became my close friend. he has been very wise and calm in whatever he is doing and that is such a role model to follow (cause i am a super hot tempered and impatient person), but sometimes he does get on my nerves. thanks to him my financial has been balanced and substantial (for now), and am looking fowards so much in the coming years as a business partner 😇 on a side note, also wanna show some appreciation to him as well cause he actually, maybe obliquely taught me how to treat myself better by actually treating me better than any male species i met. he taught me how a leader should look like, as a man shall have a provider minset, the gentlemanliness gesture etc, (not that i am kissing his ass here as if he the perfect guy in the world but at least he is the best version i have seen so far) and i am actually buying his idea of how to treat a woman better. cons is, he also made me realized that i ACTUALLY prefer such expensive lifestyle ...? :) i never knew i prefer these kind of stuff, i used to be a very economical person and used to 将就 in a lot of things, just to save money. but for what ? i also asked myself ever since, what for i save so much of money not treating myself with better stuff but instead spending like nobody business for my so-called other half ? and what do i get in return ? heartaches and dissappointments ? (man i am really dumb) he be like hey wake up, it's about time for you to treat yourself better than never, never settle for less (thanks to him i finally understand what is less, very good comparison) 

nevertheless, year 2024 is a year of realization to me, i realized many many advices and learnt many many lessons, maybe went thru a hard way but it is not too bad. i also learnt that i really have to fix my patience to have a much harmonious family relationship, gotta admit i am still not able to stay too long alone with my dad, or else we will fight :) but i guess i will make a peace with him (in my heart), cause i am kinda, not to say give up but i am so done and tired to talk sense to his mind. i understand he is getting old and afraid of getting all types of sickness due to old age hence he became quite intoleratable sometimes, but i will still try my very best to at least not getting into verbal fights with him. but i really unable to tolerate such selfish and ignorant person as a father figure. the dissapointments i get are still able to cope but imagine how does my mum would feel, i feel so sorry for my mum, she really does not deserve all these. well i really do not feel like talking about him cause it is really pure disappointment at this part of my life. i really do want to give my family a better life by starting from living in a comfortable house, sadly not everyone in the house thinks the same so i had to earn alot to be the provider, so that my mum is able to live comfortably. (my 2025 resolution heh)

i also learnt that people really does get jealous of you, no matter of your beauty, wealth, or even if you showed them a tad bit that you are living a good life now. people just cant bear to see you getting better are the people i should avoid (like ugh now you only realized ?!) i used to get hated on for a stupid reasoning, which of course i do not agree at all. can you imagine a person that is higher position that me in a workplace got jealous of my beauty ?? or just because i am a close friend of one and only race that is same with you but different species ?? and tryna pull me down by spreading so many false rumors in the workforce and even tried to sack me out of the company so bad ( she really tried a lot method, even changing seats bro). the childishness really had me thinking, how does she get this job ? which connection she got to get in ? and who is her connection ? man grow up can you ??? [ but in the end literally nobody in the workforce likes her 😌not even the superiors 😉and she got sacked eventually ] and then, i also used to get bullied ( still ?! 2024 already and still ?!) just because i said something that i dont even meant it to them and they got angry and pissed on me ?? and the unbelievable part is when they do that to you, you cant even pull the same card they did, they will be like : 'haiya chill la we just joking around right, no hard feelings ya' , like huh ? are you for real ? i really dont want to be sarcastic in front of you guys cause i was once cared for you, i treated yall with all my heart but this is what i get ? whispering god knows what infront of me ? where is your respects ? 在当事人面前交头接耳，窃窃私语，这样对吗？这样好吗？这样尊重人吗？真的想知道那种滋味是啥是吗？but well, i am done with friendships like these, dont get me wrong, i will still treat you good, but not as good as it used to be, i will prioritize my own peace first starting from now, will i treat you the way you treat me? nah, i wont, i want to but i wont, i was a petty person back then, that too i wanna change. still a good friend to hang for sports or drinks but not for heart to heart conversations 😇 on the good note, i am really glad i reconnect back with my besties 😭 she is the real gem, eventho we literally lost contact for almost a year (well we kinda connect on like every 30 business days once) and we still able to get back right at instance without any awkwardness or uneasiness. she the best la i have missed her so much, it is really different connection if comparing with others cause you can actually feel the genuinity from it and i am happy i didnt give up on this friendship, i love her so so much 💗

to sum these all up, i am truly blessed with what i am going through, what i did went through and looking forward to what i am about to go through. i have had a best christmas this year (altho i have worked up so much for it, especially the darn tree), i am so touched my family and friends made the time and effort to make it work 😭 though the process is quite a hassel but it was all good 😌 i didnt get to take much pictures (due to self concious on my face and body) but it definitely is a core memory to everyone. wallet hurts a little but it was all worth it. i even gotten present from my younger sisters huhuhu ( am a proud sister here ) AND I LOVED IT GOSH ! who would have thought the best present is not some LV bags nor expensive stuff but a pair of fluffy hamster indoor slippers ???? BEST GIFT EVER 💥