Feelings.
Feelings is a very unique thing. One can get varies of feelings in a day. Moody, depressed, sad, happy, perplexed, shocked and anything you can think of. Some of them can make your day but some don't. Some will lead you to death if you kept feeling it. It's not good for health sometimes. Well of course, do something that make you feel great, happy and awesome instead of making you yourself sad, depressed, confused, insecure or heartbroken.
How do you feel today ? Guess what. Usually I will give the same answer and answer it dramatically just like this : I feel fucking awesome today yayyyyy ! But, not for tonight.
I feel heartbroken tonight.
I don't understand myself sometimes. I have the ability of changing my mood from heaven to hell in just one minute. No joke. It's like I am laughing happily at the first minute and then the next minute I will be crying. And yeah I JUST experience that. Yes I did expect for fun. It just that I accidentally put my expectation too high and yeah I ended up in disappointment. Literally. I was building up the bad feelings which I don't realized that I built up that much until I burst to tears. I literally felt heart aching that time. Why I can feel so dramatically on small matters ? Care too much ? Probably.
Okay here is the thing. I know you won't see this so fuck it I just tell it. It's not a big deal anymore. I planned to give you surprises. A plan to your house. I miss you like hell. I control myself a lot. Try my best not to misbehave haha. I know you miss me too. Why don't we meet up ? Distance is not a big deal for me. I willing to do anything just to meet my love ones. Was so happy planning this afternoon and then bam. The whole thing destroyed in just a minute. It's not you the one who destroyed. It is me myself. I felt heart aching for being a troublesome burden. I don't feel comfortable with those mean words said by your friends. Yes I get hurt easily. I don't like it at all. I tried to tell but I just can't. I don't dare to tell. I don't have the courage to tell and it might burden him.( Or already did ). I don't want to hurt him anymore. Enough for me to hurt him. I made him cried before ( yes I am a useless bitch ).
I was at the point of telling him just now. In Skype. I turn off my web cam cause I don't want him to see my teary face. It is too hurtful for him to see. I couldn't talk at all. Tears kept bursting out even though I am just reading the conversation. Imagine I talk. I sure cry out loud. And this selfish action of mine might hurt him. It's enough for a person to feel this pain. I know he's feeling it but the amount is not much than mine. The moment he hung up the call is the most painful moment for me. I am this useless until I don't have the courage to ask him to stay even though I know he wanted to stay. And now I can only cry like nobody business and yeah writing this post.
I know everything will be alright the next day but this particular feeling of mine won't fade. It will only slowly build up deep inside my heart until one day I got no reason to hold it anymore. I really afraid of that day. I don't want that day to come. I really love you. I don't want you to leave. And I won't let you go. No matter what happens. I gave you everything already. I got nothing to hide from you. I want you to be happy. That's the only thing I want.
One of the saddest thing is when two people really get to know each other; their secrets, their fears, their favorite things, what they love, what they hate, literally everything, and then they go back to being strangers. It's like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them. I won't let this happen. I don't allow this to happen. I am really sorry for making you so burden. I am improving myself already. I need you to help me. I am so mad of myself until I can't stop crying. Could you hug me sleep tonight ? Owh yeah you are not even here with me right now. Pull yourself together Joaan. You can go through this all by yourself. Don't be immature. Be realistic.
How do you feel today ? Guess what. Usually I will give the same answer and answer it dramatically just like this : I feel fucking awesome today yayyyyy ! But, not for tonight.
I feel heartbroken tonight.
I don't understand myself sometimes. I have the ability of changing my mood from heaven to hell in just one minute. No joke. It's like I am laughing happily at the first minute and then the next minute I will be crying. And yeah I JUST experience that. Yes I did expect for fun. It just that I accidentally put my expectation too high and yeah I ended up in disappointment. Literally. I was building up the bad feelings which I don't realized that I built up that much until I burst to tears. I literally felt heart aching that time. Why I can feel so dramatically on small matters ? Care too much ? Probably.
Okay here is the thing. I know you won't see this so fuck it I just tell it. It's not a big deal anymore. I planned to give you surprises. A plan to your house. I miss you like hell. I control myself a lot. Try my best not to misbehave haha. I know you miss me too. Why don't we meet up ? Distance is not a big deal for me. I willing to do anything just to meet my love ones. Was so happy planning this afternoon and then bam. The whole thing destroyed in just a minute. It's not you the one who destroyed. It is me myself. I felt heart aching for being a troublesome burden. I don't feel comfortable with those mean words said by your friends. Yes I get hurt easily. I don't like it at all. I tried to tell but I just can't. I don't dare to tell. I don't have the courage to tell and it might burden him.( Or already did ). I don't want to hurt him anymore. Enough for me to hurt him. I made him cried before ( yes I am a useless bitch ).
I was at the point of telling him just now. In Skype. I turn off my web cam cause I don't want him to see my teary face. It is too hurtful for him to see. I couldn't talk at all. Tears kept bursting out even though I am just reading the conversation. Imagine I talk. I sure cry out loud. And this selfish action of mine might hurt him. It's enough for a person to feel this pain. I know he's feeling it but the amount is not much than mine. The moment he hung up the call is the most painful moment for me. I am this useless until I don't have the courage to ask him to stay even though I know he wanted to stay. And now I can only cry like nobody business and yeah writing this post.
I know everything will be alright the next day but this particular feeling of mine won't fade. It will only slowly build up deep inside my heart until one day I got no reason to hold it anymore. I really afraid of that day. I don't want that day to come. I really love you. I don't want you to leave. And I won't let you go. No matter what happens. I gave you everything already. I got nothing to hide from you. I want you to be happy. That's the only thing I want.
One of the saddest thing is when two people really get to know each other; their secrets, their fears, their favorite things, what they love, what they hate, literally everything, and then they go back to being strangers. It's like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them. I won't let this happen. I don't allow this to happen. I am really sorry for making you so burden. I am improving myself already. I need you to help me. I am so mad of myself until I can't stop crying. Could you hug me sleep tonight ? Owh yeah you are not even here with me right now. Pull yourself together Joaan. You can go through this all by yourself. Don't be immature. Be realistic.
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