Notes to both of us :)

Actually I'm the one who is dumb in the relationship. 

I don't know whether you read my blog or not, but I still wanna apologize once more. 

I'm sorry. 

Why ? To summarize it we had a fight over some issue about why your reply so slow, why you ignore me, why I am pissing at small matter like this, why I suddenly become so childish, why am I so sensitive about all these small matters. Basically, I'm a girl. Not those kind of independent, strong, I-can-handle-this-shit-smoothly, I-can-live-perfectly-without-you woman. I get emotional very easily. I mean I can play along with others but when it comes to you it's a whole different story. Yes, I miss you very much. I miss you until the next level of missing a person. I miss you when I wake up, when I bathing, when I shitting, when I walking, when I driving, when I'm playing, when I'm stoning, even when I'm sleeping. I really miss you. I miss how you grab my waist to pull me closer to you, I miss how you kiss me goodnight on the lips, I miss how you......... Too much I cannot handle. At this point I'm already tearing. You have no idea how much I've missed you. Yes it sounds ridiculous cause we are only been apart for few days and I started to behave like this, I've no idea that I'm capable in this that well. It's like we have been apart for weeks or months. Love is incredible sometimes. 

But why ? Why you always do this to me ? Why you leave me go to bed mad and sad again and again ? It's not healthy y'know ? I have a weak heart, I've been hurt so many times by everyone that is close with me you know that. I really cannot cope with the heartache you gave me, it's getting stronger and stronger. Even breathes hardly is no longer a cure to it anymore, it will only make it worse. It's the same like last time. We talked about this before, I really thought that we made each other clear, you did promised that you will change for me, and yes I promised myself that I will learn to let it go. In the end, nothing change for both of us. I'm still expecting too much from you, and you never know what you did after knowing I'm emotional and still dare to ask me why. Well, it really makes people pissed and wanted to laugh at it at the same time when that kinda situation happened. I mean like, try to think the other way round, feel how I feel if this happens to you. For reminder, this is not only because of 'late replying' matter. It is a built up feelings. 

I'm not blaming you for this. The purpose I write this post is to remind both of us of what happened today and to warn myself not to repeat the same mistake all over again. I understand we both are still learning to get along with each other, and I also understand that effort is not every guy's responsibility, it's their willingness on whether they wanted to make their girls happy. And I know that hinting you is like catching a fish with only bare hands, you will never get my hints to you or anyone's. So I decided I tell you directly how I actually feels, but, it might hurt your feelings, or it already did. That is why it is so hard for me to ask you to make me happy sometimes and sometimes I just rather to bottle up my feelings and find some alternative ways to cheer myself up. It doesn't mean that I gave up on you, yes of course I want you to be happy, the reason that I sometimes reject to tell you how I really feel because we will end up fighting, arguing, misunderstanding, or like what happened just now. And for me, I definitely end up crying and crying and crying and got tired and go to bed crying. Like right now I'm still sobbing, not to plead for attention but yeah, I need them sometimes, as I said earlier, I'm a girl after all. 

Girls aren't complicated as what rumors said. It's easy to make a girl happy. They need hugs, kisses, foods, or whatever shits that they like. Just give them. They will be happy because it's from their loves one after all, so use whatever you have on your body or anything, use it don't keep. But there's a thing that you nidda becareful of, do not stop whatever things once you've started. There's a reason why girls are sensitive, their senses are very strong. They will notice that you've changed if you stop doing something that you always did to her.

 As for my case, I don't really know what you stop doing to me, but I felt something is missing. Is it because that we are getting too comfortable with each other so you started to slack off ? Or is it just me overthinking ? I don't know why I got jealous over the couples in the LRT station, they kiss each other goodbye on the forehead. Or the couple on the drama, he grab her waist from behind and tenderly kiss her on the lips. Even the couple in the manga series, they put efforts in seeing each other everyday no matter what obstacles they will be facing. What seems to be missing my dear ? Communication ? Body contact ? Attention ? 

At first I thought that you were playing dumb when you asking me why am I getting emotionally all of the sudden, that is why I was pissed that time, it's quite obvious that what was the cause that made me pissed. But after we talked through it, I realized that you really don't know about it. I feel speechless and laughed at myself. In the end, I was the only one who playing my own show and dying for attention but nobody gives a shit to it. I'm like in my own world, so helpless, so hopeless. That is my my heart aches until right now at the moment. I cannot blame you because I myself made the whole joke. Like the Cantonese saying, ' zi gei lo lei sui '. I'm not saying I myself are very experienced in relationship, but that must be the reason I put too much hope in you. I'm sorry if you ever feel burden and I know you are stressed, you don't have to anymore. I will be strong but not so strong, I will handle my stuff by my own, I will make myself happy instead of waiting people to make me happy like a useless princess, I will try :) 

Cats love to be pampered from their master. They like to be fed, be served, be spoiled, be tamed by their master. 

Women are like cats. Women have the felinity in them. It doesn't mean that women are weak. They have the capability of taking care of themselves, but they prefer not to. Why ? If they do, what are men for ? They no longer need you in their life, then why are you in their life ? That is why woman enjoys being pampered by their man, they enjoy relying on them because they feel safe. It's easy to understand girls isn't it ? 

After writing this post, it actually helped me soothes my feelings and makes me feel stronger. I feel much better after splitting all out although I still have a lot to tell but I'm getting drowsy. Used too much energy on crying and soothing my heartache I guessed. I also realized that it is my fault in making everything so tension. I just want you to know that I'm being serious in our relationship, I'm not just fooling around and dumped you when I don't need you. I don't care whether you think that I'm overthinking much or overprotective on our relationship but I already gave you my everything. Everything. I'm being serious with you. I don't have to tell the name. You know who you are. I just hope that maybe you can like pamper me or take notes on what I like what I really want, I don't care you know how or not, go google search or ask your buddy, don't ask me cause I won't tell. Why ? Because you too stubborn and I don't teach stubborn people how to get girls. I know you are not that stubborn to afford to lose your girl, right ? :)