Quick updates (heh not really)

It'a been a while since I last update my blog heh, I am actually conflicting with myself whether wanted to come back to express my feelings on here, been fighting really hard to be okay since I left my comfort zone for how long? 6 months ? 1 year ? I lost count.

I have been in a roller coaster I would say for the past 6 months and I am glad I had that ride cause that what makes me a better person, definitely learnt a lot, be in friendship, relationship or family bond. 

I started to get this negative feeling all over again in this year, not particularly caused by the pandemic itself but my own... misfortune ? I did tried to be cheerful and bubbly like the good old times but it only lasted maybe few months ? I was blaming to everything that makes me this way, stressful job, messed up relationship, bored lifeless routine, inconsiderate family, everything but myself. 

Had a really bad relationship with my ex-house leader as well, very much inconsiderate and greedy person. But I am grateful for the incident to be happened and thus I see through some of their views and the way of them handling this situation. Ex boyfriend being not helpful at all and on top of it giving me even more burden by telling me what he would react on the situation whereas during that exact moment I really needed a solution for it, argued with me on the most least important things in life, while my family on the other hand not even wanting to understand my feelings at the first place and blamed me for not being transparent and not communicating on my problems to them, pushed the unnessary responsibilty to me for being a very selfish person and acted all defensive on own family, and still never wanting to understand my point of view. 

I am not sure whether I am being dramatic or attention seeking but I was really being very depressed for the entire birthday month where I should be looking very much forward to it, but having a troublesome relationship and rejection from various company ( was jobless and sent tons of resume everywhere ). Actually relationship plays a big part in influencing my daily mood and feelings during that period thus I guess this is where I can my depression from, but I felt much relief after I call it quit :) It is better for both of us, as Khalid goes by, young dumb and broke. I was naive and he doesn't want to grow up, we both have problems that we can never solve, I guess that is it, and again a relationship that are better off growing seperately :) And yet again me having faith in a wrong individual, lesson well-learnt? I hope so.

( when i talk about depression im not only talking it like i am just being lazy or just merely feeling sadness all the time, I actually loss my interest in daily activities, my appetite went from 3 bowls of rice per meals to 2 scoops of rice per day, keep feeling helpless and hopeless towards my own issues, feeling anger and everything irritates me easily, not mentioning my sleeping schedule changes to America timing. I could go on and on but you get the point )

In friendship wise, it seems like having a little bump with one of them from my high school gang, however to be honest I wasn't really cared so much about the incident as I understand that we all adults and we have our own point of view in everything and I am not even see it as a problem with her, I kinda like grown out of relying on friendship that much, I am not sure whether I am just being heartless or that is just part of life. Nevertheless I still pretty much appreciate our friendship together! x

Something that is worth celebrate is, I am actually a free person? Like, I am no longer haunted by negative feelings that mainly caused by failure relationship, I no longer need approval to do the minor things in life ?? Gosh I miss freedom so much ! Basically I had a month of freedom la, then I need to get back to reality, back to my responsiblities since the day I am being jobless for almost 5 month!? Wow, I do grow and experience a hell lot within these 5 months, mentally and sipritually of course, gotta glow up when people slowly forgetting about you *wink

Another thing is, I am feeling all sort of feelings recently, I mean there is this guy, tall and sweet and I kinda can connect with him...? I know it was way too early to determine all these connections and feelings, but the feeling I am feeling is strong in this one, the way I wanted to do things with him, to be with him, to hold him is getting intense every conversation ? I know I should find someone that have the ability to take care of me financially, but, there is this issue I have been debating all along, I wanna to be with the person that I can grow together with, be it mentally or financially, I just want a person who really wanted to do all these with me, without restraining me, only trust and respect needed. But there is a catch, not everything is perfect, nor the person, it all comes down to the point whether I can accept all those flaws that I have not discover yet, the uncertainty, etc. I understand clearly that there is plenty of fishes in the ocean but, it is so hard to find one that you truly want to treasure him and only him. Such pure and wholesome soul, making me feeling dragons breathing fire all over in my stomach goddamit. Not to mention he is totally my type ??? Soft and gentle, understanding and respectful ??? How I can un-fall to this lovely yet deadly trap ? Gosh I am feeling back to 18 years old all over again >///////<

Well, that pretty much sums up year 2020 so far, I am defenitely looking forward towards the upcoming days ! Will be discovering new industry and new relationship with all sorts of people, can't wait for the day that I finally able to acheive my goals ! Love you xx